For those who keep looking at my screen to see what I am doing, in class or at the coffee shop.

But this is a really good book (available in e-book format on shopping sites as well as university library catalogues) on yoga.

Successful attempt at brown rice! Recorded! Just the right texture, no watery, no dry, crunchy but soft, and cooked! YAY!

I haven't made a smoothie in such a long time. I remember I had this sad sticky-paper-meshed list of smoothie recipes stuck on my refrigerator in my old apartment, and I haven't seen it back after the move. Sigh, it looks like my brother and my dad forgot to bring back all the stuff that was stuck on the fridge.

Anyway, this morning's breakfast concoction is three ripe fruits - a peach, a plum, and a banana - plus a cup of soymilk. I find that the plum taste is definitely more salient in this mix. Note that if you want a more peachy taste to compete with, oh I don't know, a whole banana, use two peaches instead of one.

Bananas are uniquely wonderful for smoothies as they lend their thickness and texture. The riper the better as well for taste/sweetness. As well, including milk in the smoothie is a great idea for an energetic meal. The best part about such packed meals is also that you feel really full afterwards. Three fruits and a cup of milk? Of course you feel full. And the liquid form sends the nutrients, enzymes etc. straight through your system.

You can get really creative with smoothies. One of my favorite recipe books on the matter is a series published by the fresh restaurants. Refresh is a great juicing reference and resource for new and old juice-drinkers. One day, I would love to have my own grand juicing machine to transform basically any fruit or vegetable.

I am also going to attempt making almond milk in the near future, I will post with updates.

Other smoothie tips... make sure to blend for at least two minutes (one minute fastest, one minute slower), so that things aren't sticky and actually run like liquid! Apples need some more work than other fruits. Add water if things are too sticky. Also, take a minute to wash your blender parts before you enjoy your smoothie. You'll be so much more thankful for it.

When I'm standing there waiting for my smoothie to finish, I need to think of creative things to do. So far, I just count through my breathing, meditate (not really), or try to do one of the pranayama or yogic breathing exercises, the nerd that I am. I would do a little pirouette in the kitchen, but I am paranoid and would like to keep one hand on top of the blender at all times. I tried the side leg lifts and got bored. But really, I was wondering if people did anything serious during blending.

What do you do when you're waiting for your smoothie or whatever in the blender?

I have officially not gone in to work for like a week. Didn't feel like going on Thursday, went out with friends on Friday (last week), bummed around on the weekend, did not feel well at all Monday and Tuesday, today (Wednesday) was a statutory holiday, and I'm finally going in for tomorrow and Friday.

I had two dental appointments this week, within the span of a few days. The first one was with the hygienist, and it totally hurt, as I haven't been the most diligent flosser or frequent brusher (more than once daily). It was so painful, and lasted so long, that I almost wondered if I should start considering it as a pleasure-from-pain session in order to make it somewhat bearable. I was seriously just like forcing myself to think of sadomachistic fantasies with me in there in order to survive.

And then yesterday night was a cavity filling. Half of my front jaw was shot with numbing agent for like hours. The muscles slacked, and I had no control over fluids or food that I consumed, or even over talking properly. I looked really funny, as half of my lips and mouth were just hanging down.

Glad that situation is back to normal somewhat today. And yes, I'll remember to brush my teeth before I go to bed tonight.

I am so completely reluctant to do anything this morning. But I do know that I should use the day well before my cavity appointment later tonight. I almost don't want to eat as I dread what will happen at the dentist's.

I was going to make this for breakfast but am still deliberating.

I would say that I've been managing to keep my head up sorta during these rough times. None of it would be possible without my great friends - they know who they are - who are sticking with me through everything.

Today was a day of vegging at home. It's great to have a not-so-job where you get to do that on Mondays. I'm also on that time of the month I have my period (oh why mince words), which tops everything off really nicely and makes me even more sensitive than usual.

Lady Gaga's Love Game is running through the back of my head, and I'm trying to see if I can sum things up in words again. My job applications are due soon, and I'm getting on them (as well as my assignment for work) at an elephantine pace. I just really wasn't feeling well today - emotionally or physically. I plan to go in tomorrow though, and do something productive, and be useful.

And it's fine, I mean, such is life when you have to deal with your own stuff and also have some people close to you who you're helping through some difficult times. I recognized what I was doing though: that I was purposefully occupying myself with other people and other activities so as not to pay attention to what has shocked me this past little while. I finally acknowledged it today on the subway ride home, refusing to listen to music (well, the ipod died) or get lost in Rushdie's latest novel (which I'm almost done with). I almost wanted to burst into tears on the subway, because I really let myself look at myself for a while. And then I realized, I am in a very good place right now, and couldn't ask for anything better, really. I am strong, and able to discern right from wrong, and very patient, for once. I wouldn't have it any other way.

And as I keep my head up like this, I just want to crumble sometimes. I want to curl up and bawl, and feel relieved.

I'm so paranoid to sleep during these times too. I'm afraid of ruining the sheets, and I'm afraid of any nightmares that I might get.

It was sooo good seeing my best friend from high school and some other high school friends yesterday. I felt bad cutting it short cuz I had to leave just before 9 for my own reasons. It was also just awesome to see people together again after so many years.

I can't start to describe what I am going through. Pain, disgust, and regret are filling up my body. These feelings are all too familiar, and well, at least I am not ignoring their existence but actually living this storm through in order to heal from it.

And this update is going to be by no means chronological, as too much has happened, too much that I didn't write about.

My pending transfer to a law school in Toronto is still, well, pending. It does fuck up my course selection chances as well as doesn't count towards my cumulative GPA, but hey, you give up some things to gain some others.

I don't even know where to begin. For instance, I don't have my own room anymore, and I have to use the bathroom to change. In short, no privacy. I can't get to any task without reporting to an oral interrogation before and after it (and now I finally get laptop time, which I have negotiated, and this is seriously my only outlet for now).

My throat tenses. There are good things in my life, right now. But there are some things that really suck and are really painful. And I used to have a way to deal with these things, and all I can do now is cry waterfalls.

It's a difficult period. I am nursing a broken heart. I feel used, all over again. I feel multiply used. Can you imagine such a feeling? Somewhere, there is a glimmer of hope, but I am too scared to trust. Because it is also going to be the same thing.

Maybe life is about being used and that's just how humans interact with one another. Who knows.

I am also recently acquainting myself with the public perception of the career that I have chosen. Started going to court last Friday (woohoo, yeah), but really, it led to some drastic realizations. Maybe things are dramatized like TV and maybe this is all just a farce. Our technicalities totally have the power to make and break people's lives. It is a power to appreciate, and to control, breathing calmly, with great care, so as not to cause too much damage.

It is also hard to remember what your own dreams are when you feel so disrespected by pretty much everyone in your life and especially by the people who you are closest to and have held very dear. Going back to the theme of being used.

So in sum, life sucks. And thus ends the necessary rant update, so I can pretend things are normal for the next little while. *shakes head*

Watching my mom cook is one of the most fantastic experiences. Yesterday, she told me that I had to learn how to "volume cook", or cook for a family of 4. And cook food that they liked instead of food that only I am supposed to eat.

All true. Except that cooking for 4 means cooking for 10 in my household :)

So we follow up on that around dinner time today. I learned how to make 'her style' beans.. As I insisted on having something vegan again. This is how my mom does it:

She heats up the oil for a good couple minutes in the pot (she's used to a slow-cooking range, but still does this even though we have a brand spanking new very quickly heating range), and then adds cumin and mustard seeds, and waits for them to pop and sizzle. She adds a bit of asafetida along the way (it's amazing how she knows WHEN to add WHAT..

And then we sauté the onions for a good while.. Mom explained to me the importance of a full and complete sauté job.. "you have to let the flavours of the onion release.." Cuz I had piped something like "well I don't mind crunchy onions" to her.

She then explained the difference between Indian spices for vegetarian and meat dishes to me for the millionth time, and went through the formulae, but I still don’t remember them to reproduce them here. Sigh! But this is exactly where my awe for my mom's cooking begins and ends.

It felt so good to be poring over a heating pot again.. I love feeling the steam on the skin.

The next 'offer to settle' rule is long too! Sigh.

I guess I have to take a break between every rule at this rate; otherwise, I am going to go insane. More insane than now.

5:30 p.m.: The next fantastically long rule is that of Evidence at Trial. We all know how much I love evidence!

*glee + urge to maul a teddy bear or stuffed animal*

10:34 p.m.: The longest rule is officially the one on enforcement of orders. I started more than an hour ago, and my jot notes in size 11 calibri are going over 2 pages already and I'm barely halfway through that rule.

1 a.m.: I have officially studied for 13 hours today, give or take one. And the rules are still not done! Not even a simple reading of them!

The kettle for boiling water makes the weirdest sounds. Sounds like a swarm of bees is running through the rusty blades of an old lawnmower.

p.s. it is 1:39 p.m. and I have done nothing. Well.. I got a nice ab workout done earlier in the morning, so that's something. And enjoyed my fruity green tea. Also prepared tomato-scrambled eggs on flax toast for a nice proteiny breakfast.

Bleh.. work.

At least I got another job interview call for next Friday though! Woot.

And so far this morning.. it's time to get down to it!

The coffee has been affecting me... but other than that...

I should mention that it's interesting to be back home. I do miss some of the things that I had when I was alone, but I can't complain about the constant caring and access to good food here. There are some things that I'd like to remember, like the sounds of my brother playing guitar (he's actually getting pretty good), and well, he'll be moving out by September anyway. I'm sure I'll miss hearing the guitar. My mom goes, there he goes again, not doing his homework.. and me, I'm like, let him playyy, listen to the souuunds of muuusic.. haha.

It's also nice to have exercise space, the basement, and the ability to put music on really loud.

Lastly, it's interesting how people leave notes everywhere instead of taking the trouble to talk to each other. I was sticky-note-bombarded this morning. The bathroom mirror said "Wake me up when you wake up", from my dad to my mom, and read and acted upon hours before I woke up. Opening the refrigerator led to more notes on plastic containers (we're notorious for not being able to identify things on our own and with the onerous step of actually opening the containers), indicating three types of sausages. And the best part is, tofu is labeled tofu.

I get to my laptop and I see "Good morning! Try not to drink coffee. Lots of pasta in the fridge for lunch. Eat what you want."

*swigs coffee* 

I'm glad I'm here, cuz I got an e-mail saying the library at school is flooded and closed.

*shrugs* I have stopped trying to explain some things..

I had updated about the 5 mL measuring spoon because in general my mom has so much more in her kitchen that it amazes me: equipment, food, everything.

I spent the morning finally doing some cardio and sweating on the stationary bike, and then making and enjoying breakfast with my brother.

Study time!!!

Well, I did study the standard form homeowners' policy (which took me a good 3-4 hours) in detail, so there has been PROGRESS! Yay!

I just found it slightly amusing this morning at home (I'm in Toronto, woohoo!) when I opened the coffee jar to find a 5 mL measuring spoon. You can tell that this is a household where people desperately try to keep their coffee addictions at bay.

Today's breakfast is chopped banana, all-bran flakes and plain biobest yogurt. Mmm!

Oh man, I have gained so much weight. Well, not 'so much' but I have definitely become rounder around the ass, supralium and upper thighs from all this sitting. Darn exam month and stupid injuries!! I also eat a lot after 8 p.m.: something I never used to do. Like all the factors are bad: changed eating habits, and almost no exercise. And I think it must start with a renewed commitment to exercise.. at least the yoga component since my knee is still bad. And I think that will keep my appetite at bay, and make me less susceptible to injury from sitting/sleeping in one position for too long. For instance, this morning, I woke up with a sprained hip from sleeping on one side all night! Imagine how cramped up those muscles must be, ugh. I know that unless I do yoga I'm going to keep getting injured, even in my sleep. *shakes head*

LAST DAY OF SECOND YEAR LAW SCHOOL Y'ALL! Well just the classes. Hell begins/has started/will be felt two weeks from now.

Oh and, Happy Easter! I shall be going back home to Mom and Dad to be five again.

Oh man, I skimmed through the last ten entries and they're about 'starting to study'. Well I got a good bum rap on the phone last night from my mom about the development law paper: she was like, HAND IT IN ALREADY! Which is true it is kinda keeping me back from starting the exam studying process.. so I'm going to pretend the deadline for that is Saturday, so I can start studying for the other exams and write the other long paper too.

I'm having my favorite power breakfast now (all vegan too): organic crunchy peanut butter, slices of ripe organic banana on Stonemill 16-grain psyllium fiber bread.

So I went to the gym early this morning, and LOVED it. So what if it was freezing cold and snowing sleet, so what if I'm on Day 2 of my period. Just getting that stress out of me physically was soo good.

I cannot stay away from the gym for too long! I just can't! It depresses me and makes me not work.

I'm majorly screwed for exams but trying not to think about it. I know I can get potential exam deferrals *shakes head* but I'm trying not to think about that either. I mean, who wants to shorten their summer even further??